Keyboard warrior
You guys know I’m not one to brag. It’s one of the many great things about me. But a couple weeks ago I made a purchase that was so brilliant, so life-changing, that I feel the need to brag about it. A lighted keyboard, it is, and until I stumbled on it on Amazon, I had no idea this kind of thing existed. All keys are lighted on this beast, so even in the darkest conditions, I can still write my usual garbage without mixspelling a wurd.

You light up my life
My romantic feelings toward my new keyboard are rivaled only by my great love of the toilet light that brightens the bathroom portion of my world with a cascade of colors. Honestly, I don’t know how people of the olden days got by without one.

The itching of my phantom limb
So, the other day I was sitting at my desk, idly listening to the police scanner and going about my business. Suddenly, like a voice from the past, there came the sound of a Lewiston police officer describing a scene of downtown mischief to an emergency dispatcher! I jumped from my chair. I leaped with joy. Police radio traffic was back, baby! Happy days are here again! But no. The dispatcher quickly informed the officer that he was inadvertently transmitting over the old radio system, the one that used to be available to riff-raff like the newspaper and the public. And that was the end of it. They say people with amputated limbs will still feel the itch in that missing arm or leg even years later. I have that kind of thing with police radio chatter.

Gas prices
Was out and about the other day and decided to stop quickly for gas. I was in a hurry so I pulled up to pump 3 and blasted in 10 bucks worth. You know where that got me? All the way to pump 4. (Editors: place rim shot here.) And yes, I got this knee-slapper from the internets. I never claimed to be above that sort of thing.

It’s happening!
There’s a photo going around Facebook purporting to be an image of the Loch Ness monster in Lake Auburn. It’s real! I know it is! No scientific study necessary! I mean, we all knew this day would come, right? How or why Nessie managed to travel from the Scottish highlands to Auburn, Maine, is none of your business. All you need to know is that it’s here and you should be afraid. Be VERY afraid! I’d try to befriend the serpent, but as we all know, it is illegal to swim in, touch, or even look at the sacred waters of Lake Auburn the wrong way. Because, reasons. I’ll just have to wait for Nessie to come to me.

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