Roll ’em up
A nice lady named Sandy writes to request — nay DEMAND — that I write a little something, something about the height of toilet paper holders. They’re too low, Sandy insists. “Being a woman that sits to pee,” she says, “I get mad often!” I hear that, sister. I’m reluctant to delve into this too deeply, though. As we all know, wars have been started over the matter of whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under. The toilet seat up or down controversy has gotten people killed, too. Probably. Start writing about that stuff and the next thing you know, a bunch of burly guys in sunglasses are stuffing you into a black van. Who needs it?

Now see here . . .
I’ve been reading a whole lot of Nevil Shute novels lately and all the coolest characters from that era seemed to start their sentences with either “now see here” or “now look here.” And they sound dang spiffy doing it, too. With that in mind, I’m going to start incorporating this kind of speech into my daily conversations. So you have that to look forward to.

What the @#@! am I talking about?
I had all these notes written down for Talk of the Town, but then I went on vacation. Now that I’m back, I have no idea what any of this random stuff means. “Yogurt in a tube sock?” “A dog that played harmonica?” Was I drunk that day? And exactly what bit of tantalizing news was I planning to impart based on the scribble “The left cheek. Never the right one?” It’s all very sordid and confusing. Guess I really needed that vacation.

Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
What’s this? Brawling at the Oscars? Now, see here. If I’d known there was going to be pugilism, I might have tuned in. I’ve always said that what these Hollywood mega events need is less narcissism and more punching.

Not really
It would take a heck of a lot more than that to make me watch The Oscars.

Use your words
Have you ever had an online conversation with someone who can’t seem to communicate without using emojis? It drives me nuts. I know full grown, responsible adults, totally sane in every other way, whose every other response is either a Minion emoji or some stupid GIF they found in one of those stupid GIF repositories. I expect soon we’ll start seeing obits and police press releases written entirely with crying face emojis, red faced emojis and those #@!@#! Minions in various poses. I’ll be out of a job at that point because I’m 100% emoji illiterate. And proud of it.

« Previous

Mark LaFlamme: Things that creep and crawl

Next »

Mark LaFlamme: Follow me for more tips on healthy living!