So. You come here often?
So, this dog walks into Dunkin’, right? Actually, that isn’t the start of a joke, it’s a fact. In Lewiston, a dog walked into a Dunkin’ shop last week like any other Joe who’d been busting his hump for that bum of a foreman all week and who just wanted to get a cup of dark roast for the long ride home. I’m not 100% sure that’s the dog’s story, but I reckon it was something like that. Maybe the ol’ cur has been stepping out with some slinky cat and they thought the local coffee shop would be the most discrete place to meet. I’m just saying, you don’t judge a mutt until you walk a mile in his paws, all right? We’re all adults here.

Famil… hocus… peanuts… ly
An alert and reasonably sober reader wrote me the other day asking why these random words and chunks of words keep showing up, out of context, in the Sun Journal. I looked into it and what do you know? These words (and chunks of words) are scattered all over the place, serving no apparent function whatsoever. It’s possibly just a page layout issue, but there’s no fun in that so we’re going to just go ahead and assume that it’s some form of dark magic at work. I’ll need one of you brave volunteers to stand in front of your bathroom mirror, chanting these words over and over. It’s unclear what will transpire, but it’s a good bet you’ll know it once your bathroom becomes randomly filled with smoke, lightning and possibly goats.

Where have you gone, Little Red?
Another observant reader has sniffed out a conspiracy at his local Hannaford where all the little red shopping baskets seem to have vanished. It seems likely that shoppers are simply taking the baskets home with them since the state outlawed free bags, but there’s no fun in that, so we’re just going to go ahead and assume that it’s some form of dark magic at work. I’m going to need one of you brave volunteers to go to Hannaford and collect all the chocolate graham crackers you find on the shelves. This isn’t part of the experiment, mind you. I just really want those graham crackers.

Snickers
There was a rumor floating around last week that something horrible had happened to the beloved Snickers bar. Fortunately, it turned out to be false. Unfortunately, this whole scandal has completely changed the way I think of the Snickers bar.

Love locks at Great Falls
Now, tell me that doesn’t sound like the title of a movie on the Lifetime Channel. Starring Gerald McRaney and Valerie Bertinelli, of course. But no. I wasn’t talking about Lifetime movies at all. An alert and only slightly deranged reader tells me that padlocks can be found all over the chain link fences down at Great Falls in Auburn. Young lovers demonstrating their commitment via hardware supplies. Did you know that the tradition of love locks dates back to WWI when a young school mistress named Nada… Ah, who cares. I really just came here to make fun of the Lifetime Channel.

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