Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Am I blue? Yes, I’m blue
As of Nov. 17, we still hadn’t turned on the heat at my house. Impressive, ain’t it? Screw you, heating oil prices! I actually ENJOY sleeping next to the oven in a Carhartt coat and snow boots!

Under things
You know, I still have that bright red onesie I got a few years ago when I was writing about warm weather gear for the B Section. I’m not saying I’m presently wearing the bright red onesie, but if I WAS wearing it, I’d be feeling like I’m getting hugged all over. If I was wearing it, that is.

Check it out
Pressure? You want to talk about pressure? It’s not trying to file a story under deadline. It’s not struggling to make sure you don’t get scooped by a rival TV news station. No, pressure is being next in line at the Hannaford self-checkout knowing that a couple dozen people are behind you just WAITING for you to screw up. If you miss recognizing the next available checkout station by even a second, the crowd will turn on you. They won’t say anything directly, no, but you’ll FEEEEEL the hostile vibe as you sprint to that open station to begin scanning your items. And while you’re at it, you just know the miffed crowd is waiting for you to screw up. Got a stupid vegetable you can’t find in the database? Got an item that just won’t scan no matter how desperately you swipe it? Unexpected item in bagging area? All these screw-ups mean valuable seconds and seconds are currency in the dog-eat-dog world of the self-checkout. God help you if you trigger the “please wait for assistance” message, friend. You’re probably going to get jumped in the parking lot.

It’s real and it’s spectacular
Got your Christmas tree yet, you pagan? So happens that I’m going to be writing a story about the great Real vs. Fake Tree Debate, so if you’ve got strong opinions either way, send them my way. It’s not the real vs. fake story I WANTED to write, but it’s something.

Say it ain’t so
At 12:25 a.m. on Wednesday morning, I saw the first snowflakes of the season. I’m in such denial, I at first had no idea what it was falling from the sky. “I say!” I declared to the sky. “Is something afire? Why, there seems to be ash falling from the cold, gray sky. Icy, wet ash, it is. How peculiar!” Then recognition dawned, I grew morose at once and had to go inside to lay around in my onesie for a while.

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