Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

T’was the night before Christmas…
…and some stuff went down. Do you ever think about how differently things would have gone if the night described in the famous poem, “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” had happened in the modern day? Our hero, the man in the sleeping cap, upon hearing a clatter outside wouldn’t gingerly throw up the sash, he’d go straight for the gun safe and bring out the Mossberg. Old Saint Nicholas, coming down the chimney with a bound would be taken down by a police tactical team and charged with home invasion, theft of butter cookies and poaching reindeer. Ma in her kerchief would go straight for the Samsung Galaxy to post photos and vivid comments on the sordid affair to Facebook, Tik Tok and Instagram, with a GoFundMe page soon to follow. Of course, before any of that happened, the Lewiston-Auburn Priority News guy would already have post up on his Facebook page with only slightly exaggerated details of the sad incident.

Is he really the mean one, though?
The Grinch, too. I mean, why is home invasion such a common pastime in Christmas stories? Try that crap today and your snarling green mug, captured by about four dozen Ring cameras, will be plastered all over the Whoville Police Facebook page with an ambiguous message such as: “We’re looking for this Wholigan in connection with a possible theft of stockings, roast beast and one (1) shriveled pea.” It will take approximately 11 seconds for the culprit to be identified as hundreds of Whovillians take to posting horrible stories about Mr. Grinch on the Facebook post. “That’s the son of a !!$#! who stole my catalytic converter!” at least one will declare. “I reported him to the WPD but nothing was done!!!!” Yeah, I don’t think it’ll be the Grinch’s heart that grows three times that day, it will be the angry welts on the side of his head.

A Charlie Brown Christmas and/or DHHS Investigation
You ever notice how in Peanuts, those kids are always walking around unattended? Yeah, not these days, bro. These days, some nosy Karen would report this “dangerous situation” to child protective authorities and like that, Charlie, Lucy, Linus and Pig Pen are enjoying the holidays from the state run orphanage. I expect the animal control officer will round up Snoopy and that weird bird, and it’s off to the pound they go.

It’s a Wonderful Federal Charge
George Bailey’s misplaced $8,000 would have gotten him in trouble with more than just mean old man Potter. I reckon the Department of Homeland Security would be mighty interested in why George was making such a large deposit in the first place. I mean, that’s potential terrorism, by modern standards. Of course, these days, Bailey’s missing loot would probably be in the form of Bitcoin, but I don’t understand cryto currency and all so I can’t hypothesis on how that would have impacted the outcome. I think it’s safe to assume George’s GoFundMe campaign would do pretty well, too.

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