Started on the first pull, even
Mowed my lawn for the first time last week. You should have seen me, I was great. Mowed over the wife’s rhubarb. Wife doesn’t think I’m so great. In my defense, it was green and kind of long, so it had to go.

Get him, Humboldt!
Saw my first hummingbird of the year last week, too. Since that giant hawk from last week never came back, I now have plans to make the hummingbird my official attack bird. Not only will it smite my enemies (you know who you are and you definitely need smiting), he’ll then hover over their mutilated bodies, in that creepy hummingbird way, gloating over the carnage. You’ll want to be nice to me going forward.

Don’t forget…
… that it’s Mother’s Day. You DID forget, didn’t you? Scoundrel! That woman gave birth to you, man. You can’t even skip over to the 7-Eleven for some flowers? OK, calm down. Here’s what you do. Go over to your momma’s house and mow her lawn for her. Just mow over everything green, she’ll love it.

Feedleheads
Yes, I misspelled “fiddleheads” on my first try, but I happen to like the wrong version better, so I’m keeping it. Feedleheads it is! Anyway, the point is that I haven’t had any yet this spring, which is just devastating. When I was a young lad, I was told that eating feedleheads would make me grow big and strong and I’m still waiting for that to happen.

Rock of ages
Lots and lots of people have asked me what I think of the new rocks in Kennedy Park. I don’t know what to tell you. I feel about those rocks as I feel about other rocks I encounter during my travels. If they’re too big to skim across a lake or load into a slingshot, I really have no use for them. If somebody carves one of these boulders into my likeness, I’ll take another look. Go easy on the nose, would you?

Hammer time
Lots of people have asked what I think of the hammer and nail exhibit on Pine Street in Lewiston, too. My response: “What hammer and nail?” I mean the hammer is only about 20 feet high and completely dominates a corner I ride by at least a half-dozen times a day. How could I be expected to notice something like that? And I call myself a reporter. (Ha ha! No, I don’t.)

Dear Hannaford
You are using way, WAY too much glue on the covers of your jars of store brand peanuts. I’m unable to open said jars without the use of a bench vise and it’s making me feel like a wuss. Please notify your glue department at once. I, meanwhile, will try to eat more feedleheads so I’ll grow up big and strong enough to open your $$%#@!! jars.

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