I have a new daddy!
The week started out with a bang as it was announced that the Sun Journal would once again pass into new hands. There is genuine optimism about the sale among my colleagues, and I’m glad for that. For me, though, it feels like my Momma just stepped into into my messy bedroom to announce that I have a new daddy. Everyone wants to know how I feel about this, but I mostly just hope that the new daddy will be one of those who tries to win a lad’s affection with baubles and shiny new toys. I’m partial to Suzuki motorcycles, pickup trucks, Wolverine boots, wads of cash that are too fat to fit into a pocket and maybe a little crypto in case things go pear-shaped. You know, in case anyone’s keeping track of this stuff.

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An alert and possibly deranged reader wrote to tell me of an abandoned green couch that had been squatting at the side of Webber Avenue in Lewiston since before all the rain started a month ago. Well, you know me: nobody gets more excited about a soggy green couch at the side of the road than I do, so I went racing off to see it for myself. Got to Webber Avenue and searched high and low, but I never did find that couch. What’s stranger is that when I wrote the fellow back for clarification, he was nowhere to be found. He was just… gone. Now I suspect this might be one of those cosmic tests. If you can see the soggy green couch, you are one of them, a member of an elite squad of travelers hopping from one dimension to the next. If you DON’T see it, then you’re just some schmuck who lives near downtown Lewiston and whose life is so empty, you get excited about abandoned furniture at the side of a road. I tell you, that sad revelation just wrecked the rest of the week for me.

Bacteria found at Maine beaches!
Health officials are warning of high levels of enterococci bacteria (which sounds like something you’d get from sitting on a soggy green couch) found in the water at several Maine beaches. I remember as a kid they’d post warnings like this, but I’d go swimming anyway. Caught myself a case of ringworm one time, and in a very uncomfortable part of my body. Had to wear long pants for the rest of the summer and other kids laughed at me. Seriously, is it any wonder I turned out the way I did?

Cocaine found at the White House
Since they can’t seem to solve this caper, I dare you to call the White House, claim the coke as your own and ask that it be returned. Do it! It will amuse me.

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