You, my friend, have been spell-checked
The other day, a lady wrote to comment on a news column I had written about the scourge of TikTok.
Only, instead of remarking on my analysis of the social media service, she had nice things to say about what I had written about “TitTom.” This made me both chortle and guffaw, which as we all know, can be painful.

New breed of black widow in Maine
That’s what they’re saying. Black widows in Maine, yessir. I’d be worried about this, but the much ballyhooed killer bees and murder hornets they threatened us with never made an appearance, so I’m not going to get my underpants in a twist over this. Nossir. Not me.

Is there something on my back?
OK, that’s a lie. I’m totally freaking out over this. After reading the news story about the spiders, I spotted a piece of lint out of the corner of my eye and jumped four feet in the air like a cartoon cat.

It could have been me
And speaking of cartoon hijinks, the other day in the Lowe’s parking lot, I almost literally slipped on a banana peel. I kind of wish I had, frankly. How often do we get to emulate all those greats from the Saturday morning cartoons? I expect that had I gone down in such cliche, arm-flailing style, some dude probably would have emerged from behind the bushes to play the sad trombone. That’s great fun. I consoled myself over the lost opportunity by going into the store to buy a rake to step on.

Rock on
Saw a sign for a “free rock” in somebody’s front yard on Webster Street in Lewiston. The rock was probably a 400-pounder and half of it was buried in the earth, but hey. Free stuff is free stuff. The homeowner no doubt meant it as a joke, but the only one who will be laughing is me when there are 30 rowdy people in that dude’s front yard fighting over the free loot.

They’re all going to laugh at you!
I was riding in a quiet neighborhood near Bates College on Monday when I saw a bearded fellow trip a little bit as he stepped over a sidewalk curb. He wasn’t hurt or anything, but man how that dude glowered at me, as though I was somehow responsible for his momentary lack of grace. I promise, man. It had nothing to do with me. I only use my telekinetic powers to wreak havoc at prom.

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