Easy peasy
Last week, I was listening to some routine chatter over the police scanner when I heard one dispatcher respond to an officer’s report with a quaint and simple “Okey doke.” It was glorious. None of those stone-cold 10 codes or other bland radio terms. If this dispatcher wants to lighten things up out there in scanner world, she has my support. In fact, I wouldn’t be opposed to an “okaley dokaley,” a “roger, dodger” a “see you later, alligator” or even an “okey dokey, artichokey” now and then.

Florida man tries to cross Atlantic in hamster wheel
This is a story that has it all. Heck, the guy is even facing federal charges now after it took the Coast Guard five days to get his sorry butt to safety. There’s a lot to unpack here, but all I can think about is how difficult it must have been to pee in that thing.

You better have a pretty big bib, bub
Have any of you seen the giant lobster atop a restaurant on Route 1 in Woolwich? Am I crazy or does that thing get a little bit bigger every year? It’s downright menacing! All I can think about when I drive past it — stepping on the gas to move along a little quicker — is all the indecent things I’ve done to that lobster’s kin over the years. I mean, think about the way you go about trying to get at that tail meat. Or God help you, the tamale. It’s obscene! If the lobster you ravaged over the Fourth of July weekend was this guy’s little brother, I’m thinking you ought to steer clear of Woolwich for a time.

I’m burning for you
Yes, yes. It’s very hot. 90 degrees where I sit. And of course this heat wave came along right after I launched into a very public tirade about how we haven’t had any summer at all this year, making me look the fool. Well played, El Nino. Say, “little boy,” can I interest you in some lobster?

Emu escapes in Oxford!
And now we have to worry about the indecent things we do to chickens and turkeys, too, because this guy might be coming for us. I mean, have you ever watched someone stuff a turkey? It’s improper, I tell you! You can hardly blame the runaway emu if he wants to exact his revenge. I tell you, I’m on a diet of cold cereal from here on out.

Let’s see…
A giant lobster, a wrathful emu and some dude with bladder issues hamster-wheeling his way across the ocean? Boy, I’d hate to be the artist who has to sketch THIS nonsense.

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