Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

It’s the end of the world as we meow it
Has anyone noticed that cats have been in the news a lot lately? Cat colonies, cat herds collected in cluttered cat houses, cats reported missing on Facebook, and stray cats wandering all over the place. The local animal shelter has so many cats, they’re asking that people consider other options before bringing more cats in. Cats are everywhere, in other words, and it’s entirely possible that the cat takeover we’ve all been privately fearing is about to come our way. I tell myself that I’ve got nothing to worry about since I’ve always been kind to cats, but you just KNOW that’s bunk. Since when has a cat ever rewarded kind behavior with kindness of its own? Cats just ain’t like that. If nature ever produced a pure tyrant species, the cat is it. The only way to distract a cruel cat overlord is to quietly open a door and let the beast sit there for an hour deciding if he wants to go out or in or possibly out. Or in.

And speaking of cats…
Heard a scanner call the other night where probation conditions for some local fool included one where he was absolutely prohibited from being in possession of “unattached catalytic converters.” Take that, fool! No wearing muffler parts as jewelry the next time you’re out in the clubs! But since catalytic converter thieves are the lowest of the low, I’d like to see bail conditions with real bite. Make them spend six hours each workday flat on their backs beneath a car in torrid heat like the victims of their crimes, for example. Or just send probation officers in to steal random things from their houses. You know. Let the punishment befit the crime.

Eight legs, no waiting
OK, if there really is going to be a cat invasion, I’m pretty sure the spiders are in on it, too. I’ve had three — count them THREE — arachnid encounters in the last week alone. In one, a spider dropped out of my wife’s stupid ivy and settled in on my neck. When I discovered the horror and swatted it off, it landed on my computer keyboard and just sort of glowered at with all those eyes. Another spider crawled up my arm while I was starting my motorcycle, causing me to shriek and twist the throttle so violently, it flooded the machine. A third spider came a’creeping over my shoulder before scuttling down my arm and disappearing into the shadows of the blankets as I was laying in bed. This set off a series of events I shan’t describe here because it’s all very embarrassing and there is nakedness involved.

Prophecies fulfilled
I also had trouble with some moths, but I’ve run out of space so use your imagination on this one.

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