BzzzzZZZZ

You know what the weirdest sound on the road these days is? Those newfangled motorized bikes. I don’ t know what kind of souped-up engines they’re running in those things these days, but when they come buzzing along, my first thought is that the gigantic bee is back and its coming to exact its revenge. You can hear those bikes coming from blocks away and when they close in on you, it gets pretty unnerving. The problem is that when the gigantic bee DOES come back — and don’t kid yourself, he’s coming — I won’t be ready for it because I’ll think it’s one of those stupid bikes and I’ll let me guard down. So, you can see my dilemma.

Lewistonopoly

Saw a massive painted sign on the side of a downtown building announcing this hot new game. I call the little iron and I ain’t playing unless I get it! You try to stick me with the stupid thimble again and I’m taking my board and going home. Although, now that I think of it, if this is a game specific to Lewiston, maybe there should be a little shell casing piece. I’ll take that if someone has already called the iron.

Where in the world is Patrick Dempsey?

It’s funny how often people tend to lose Mr. Dempsey at this time of year. Perhaps we should give him one of those tracking chips like the pets at the shelter? That said, I’m grateful my esteemed colleague Joe Charpentier wrote the annual “Where is Patrick?” story this year. Whenever I have to write that thing, I feel like a crazy stalker or a dizzy gossip writer and as we all know, I had to give up the gossip column after that whole Tara Reid fiasco.

Who has the best lobster roll in Maine?

Count me out of the voting. I haven’t been able to eat a lobster roll since I got violently sick after eating one maybe 30 years ago in the Waterville area. And believe me, I have enough medical training to state unequivocally that it was absolutely the lobster roll that made me sick. Had nothing to do with the three pounds of pork rinds and 30 beers I had with it. Nossir. It must have been bad lobster.

The clothes make the man

It’s that time of year where the weather is all over the map and you don’t know if you need a light coat, a heavy coat or just a T-shirt to go outside. Me, I’m just going with ’80s style jogging shorts, tube socks pulled up to the knees and a mesh half-shirt until the snow flies. Enjoy that image the rest of the day, won’t you?

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