Hot to trot
The only good thing I can say about this cold weather is that I finally get to wear my awesome new Carhartt coat. You know the coat. It’s the one I bought at Tractor Supply last year and which makes me look absolutely musclebound from the waist up. I love that coat so much I wish I could wear it year-round. In fact, I DID wear it at a Fourth of July barbecue this summer, but I eventually passed out from the heat and some distant “cousin” stole my wallet.

Get your deer yet?
Almost hit a deer on Maine Street in Poland last week. And when I say “almost,” I mean I missed that beast by just a whisker on its backside. It was only my expert driving and NASCAR-level maneuvering that spared the animal’s life, as well as the front end of my wife’s car. Seriously, I was pretty heroic out there, you shoulda seen me. Of course, the dash cam footage showed a minor affair with a deer simply leaping out of my way, but who are you going to believe? Me or video from some made-in-China camera?

Permafrosted
I still don’t have my heat on at home, I’ll have you know. I don’t care if they eventually find me at my desk blue, frozen stiff and covered with icicles, ala Jack Nicholson at the end of “The Shining.” I will NOT be the one to demand that we crank up the thermostats. There’s a principle involved, or possibly a principal. I dunno. I’m two cold to think cleerly.

What dreams will come
You know what’s a great invention? Mattress heating pads. Turn those suckers on early in the night and your sheets are warm by the time you crawl in. Or if you’re feeling experimental, crank that sucker all the way up and enjoy bizarre fever dreams the rest of the night. Last night I dreamed about that deer I almost hit, only this time the deer was driving and I was standing in the road, leaping. I also dreamed I was living in a magical place that actually had heat in wintertime. It was so weird.

Where’s the beef (and chicken)?
A friendly note to whomever is buying up all the 9-Lives Hearty Cuts with real beef and chicken from Walmart, Shaw’s and Hannaford: Please knock it off. My cats have been giving me angry glares and I’m pretty sure they’re planning a coup. Plus, I like some Hearty Cuts on a Saltine cracker myself now and then. No, really. It’s delicious, you should try it.

Bonus round
This column ended up exactly at the length preferred by our page designers so I’m writing a few extra words just to make them miserable. You don’t have to read this part if you don’t want to. It won’t be on the quiz.

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