King Maker!
So, I see the lady with the little round campaign signs was voted in on Election Day. I’m not saying it was my repeated praising of her signs (they were ROUND, you know!) that put her over the edge, but that’s probably what happened. Let this be a lesson to you stick-in-the-mud politicos who insist on going with the same old rectangular signs whenever elections roll around. Get creative, bros. Think outside the box and have fun with it. Or don’t, what do I care? I’m going to find a way to make fun of you either way.

On your mark, get set …
So, the mayor and one of his challengers will have to compete in a runoff election next month because neither candidate nailed down the required 50% of the vote. Or something. You realize, of course, that I have no idea what any of this means. Whenever I hear about candidates squaring off in a runoff, the mental imagery I get is just delightful. We’re talking about a couple of politicians sprinting shoulder-to-shoulder across Kennedy Park, possibly while wearing comical outfits, in order to see who can get to City Hall first. The first guy to throw up is automatically disqualified. Or maybe throwing up is how you win. I haven’t really smoothed out the rules just yet.

Is it cold in here or is it just you?
I’ll have you know that, although the temperatures have been dipping below freezing and the daytime temps ain’t much better, I have yet to turn the heat on at home. The game of Heat Chicken is pretty intense around here once it gets going this time of year. Those of us who take the game seriously would rather slay a farm animal and sleep inside its belly than to be the one to declare that it’s time to turn on the heat. Unfortunately, I don’t have any farm animals, so I gotta dig out my old union suit and Snuggie if I want to seriously compete. I may be cold, sir, but I look pretty snazzy!

But seriously, you guys, I’m freezing over here. Been eating extra Hot Pockets just to bask in the warm glow of the toaster oven. If my current wife doesn’t break soon and plea for heat, I may start baking! Say, what goes into an apple pie, anyway?

Why the criminal smells like pants
So during a raid on a drug house in Auburn this week, police plucked three of their suspects from inside a wall cavity. As hiding places go it’s pretty creative — shades of “The Cask of Amontillado,” even. But I doubt anyone will ever top the guy a few years back who attempted to hide in a clothes hamper. He would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t whispered “Are they gone yet?” while a cop was sitting on the toilet three feet away.

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