Super Tuesday
Ah, yes. That grand time of year when the parties get together to whittle down the list of candidates in an effort to settle on “the lesser of two evils,” which has practically become our national motto. At the rate we’re going, we’ll eventually end up with a ballot featuring Dracula vs. Swamp Thing and people will insist that one is waaaay less vile than the other so we ought to elect him. We should follow up Super Tuesday with Awesome Wednesday, wherein we humble citizens scour the globe in search of a decent politician. I’m betting if we can find one, it’ll be next to the unicorn.

Nein!
Someone posted in a Turner community Facebook page the other day that she: “Saw a German walking down Harris Road . . .” It was an honest mistake, but man the hilarity that ensued. Locals went out to Harris Road expecting to see someone who looks like Ludwig Van Beethoven, Albert Einstein or Colonel Klink strutting through town. I’m betting the German shepherd at the center of this misunderstanding just laughed and laughed . . .

Facebook down!!
Thank God I slept through the horror of seeing both Facebook and Instagram down on the same day. I hear it was terrifying! I’m literally shaking just thinking about it. Because while I’m no fan of social media, Facebook has become the place for me to put down on the record all the strange, meaningless thoughts that roll through my head like fever dreams. Without Facebook, I’d have to put down those strange, meaningless thoughts in this column space and nobody wants me writing weird stuff in here. Talk of the Town is a very dignified column.

Friends in low places
And speaking of Facebook, I’m getting an unnerving number of friend requests from guys who are not wearing shirts in their profile photos. It’s really my only rule when it comes to accepting friend requests: no shirtless guys. I am, however, still accepting requests from those supermodels from exotic countries because I know THEY are genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person, so no problem there.

Prepare yourselves . . . For war!
I’ve been getting email from a guy who’s won Russ Dillingham’s Mystery Photo Contest not once, not twice, but thrice, and from what I hear, he’s a sure thing for a fourth stunning contest win. I don’t mean to suggest that the fellow is cheating somehow, but I have a strong suspicion that our community is about to get rocked by a Mystery Photo Scandal that will shake the community to its very core. Brothers will find themselves at war with brothers. Mothers will suspect sons and daughters will turn on fathers. Local politicians will resign in disgrace as the scandal grows so large it will make the witch hysteria of 1692 look like child’s play. Or something. I don’t know, I might just be bitter because I NEVER win Russ’ stupid contest so it’s GOT to be fixed.

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