Sun of a…
So, I thoroughly enjoyed the eclipse and all, but the day after it all went down, my motorcycle wouldn’t start, my truck brakes seized up and my phone kept rebooting itself. Call me conspiratorial, but I think the eclipse sent me spiraling into a different timeline where I’m forced to swear even more than I did in the old one. I mean it was !!#@#$! crazy!

The totality elite
So, now that I made the jaunt north to take in the BIG ECLIPSE in all of its retina-frying splendor, I totally plan to become a totality snob who looks down on the rest of you peons who only got to see 98% of it. “Watched it from your backyard in Lewiston, did you?” I’ll say all lofty like. “I suppose a partial eclipse is nice and all, but if you haven’t seen totality, you just have no idea, my friend. It changes you. In fact, what am I doing even talking to you about it? I can only be friends now with those blessed souls from my totality tribe.” I might even wear my eclipse glasses full time now. I look forward to bumping into you.

Doing it right
And speaking of eclipse glasses, while I was up in the town of Shirley (I saw the totality, you know), I met a man who had a pair of professional eclipse-viewing glasses. We’re talking polymer frames, metal temple hinges and high-resolution lenses. Once I had a glimpse at the sun through those, I felt totally inadequate in my cheap, paper glasses. But you only saw a partial eclipse, so I don’t expect you to understand.

Eclipse bargaining
During the whole affair I was bothered by the fact that you can’t so much as take furtive glances at the sky while the eclipse was unfolding lest you go blind. I kept trying to find a loophole in order to view the spectacle with my naked eyes. How about if I just look at it through one eye? How about if I twist my hands up into little binoculars and view it that way? What about if I look at the sun through that tiny window in the porta-potty? Would that be OK? Of all of the things that can reportedly leave you blind, the eclipse is the most frustrating.

Break on thru
By the way, driving back from the Moosehead Lake region the day of the eclipse didn’t take us any time at all because we found a back way so elaborate, I’m pretty sure we punched a hole through the fabric of time and space. If you’ve read Stephen King’s “Mrs. Todd’s Shortcut,” you’ll understand. I’m really glad we didn’t get pulled over because there’s probably a steep fine for defying the laws of physics on Maine roads.

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