My shame is great For years, I’ve been tooling on you ween . . . you people who frequently sport sweater vests. I’ve made fun of you relentlessly and without remorse. What a jerk, huh? Well, fear not. Comeuppance is at hand. Recently, some weasel from the old block posted on Facebook some photos of […]

In place of my usual rantings this morning, I’d like to spend this time reading you a poem that’s very dear to me. Ha-ha! I’m kidding! A poem! Can you imagine? You should see your face. Forgive my mirth. What I’d really like to do today is to strap a big ponytail onto this column. […]

Good morning, deranged person. I see you sitting there with your big, fuzzy slippers (the French call them ‘pee shoes’), your steaming cup of cocoa and your fresh-off-the-press copy of Leaf Peeper Times. The crisp, cool air outside is tempered by the crackling heat of the wood stove. You have a bowl of candy corn […]

Frost on the pumpkin I couldn’t be more furious. I first spotted one sitting on a doorstep in a quiet Lewiston neighborhood. A fluke, I figured. Some mentally unbalanced person put it there at random. Tomorrow she’ll put a grapefruit on her steps. Maybe a toaster oven a day after that. But there are more […]

So, it’s the middle of the day and I’m buzzing up College Street in Lewiston. For one reason or another (I may not get enough fiber in my diet), I had an out-of-body experience like you read about. For a span of perhaps 4 minutes, I seemed to be floating over the world, watching instead […]

High on life and hating it In Lewiston, a woman called police to report she had taken Ecstasy and now she was feeling weird. You know. Weird feelings of euphoria and well being. A strange lack of inhibition coupled with heightened senses. It totally ruined the rave for her, I hear. She might have tried […]

I’m not saying the kid was dumb and drunk, but I got a look at his chart and his blood-alcohol level and IQ were just a few digits apart. It was early evening on Bates Street. There was a minor scuffle and a lot of yelling and police were sent to shoo people away. Most […]

May the odds be ever in your favor On Thursday, police were out looking for a kid who was last seen at a local theater watching “The Hunger Games.” But all we heard over the scanner were snippets. “. . . child . . . missing . . . Hunger Games . . .” For […]

I think what I’ll miss most are the sounds. Every morning, it’s generally the same. The doves start moaning their sad songs somewhere in the shrubbery outside my window. At the same time, there’s the invisible, electric buzz of a cicada (or a tree frog, depending on who you ask) sizzling in a nearby tree. […]