Polar vortex is back

Oh, look. We’re calling it the “polar vortex” again. Why do you gotta be all fancy about it, weather people? Back in my day, we called that “cold air from Canada.” And we rolled our eyes when we said it, as though the Canadian people were directly responsible for this outrage.

Fumble

Driving the turnpike over the weekend, I was a little perplexed by some of the advice offered up on those roadside message boards. Some of them tried too hard to keep a football theme while others were perfectly clear, if a little bit clumsy: “Drive like Tom Brady,” advised one. I mean, hello! Don’t you think if I could do anything at all like Tom Brady, I’d already be doing it?

Keep it on a leash

In a recent drug case, police discovered a stash of dope in a plastic baggie that was inside the suspect’s underpants and tethered to his . . . well, let’s just try to get around the censors altogether by saying it was tethered to a very sensitive part of the young man’s body. Boy, you’d hate to be the guy who has to undo that knot, wouldn’t you? Smart money says they made some rookie cop do it. Welcome to the big leagues, rook!

Chute rage!

There should be a specific term for the eye-bulging rage that occurs when your snowblower chute clogs within the first minute of clearing the yard. I feel like this term should rhyme. I’m terrible at rhymes so I got nuthin.

60 degrees, yo

How about that warm weather action, eh? I was out on the motorcycle, snow was screaming as it melted and people were everywhere in short-sleeve shirts. Of course, it’s still cold and flu season, and wearing a tank top makes it pretty hard to cough in one’s sleeve. The trick is to find someone who’s still bundled up and cough into HIS sleeve. We’ve all got to work together.

Somebody’s knockin’

On Wednesday, a fellow reported that somebody was knocking on his door late at night and he had no idea who it might be. Scary, right? He wanted police to check it out, did this dude, but he didn’t want to give them his name. Or address. But still, check on that, would you?

Sick, Evil and Annoying

Nah, bruh. There wasn’t much about that “Criminal Minds” episode that felt like Lewiston. What was most galling to me though was the fact that you have this string of gruesome murders committed inside reputedly haunted houses and yet there were no reporters out there begging for access. I mean, I almost got arrested once for overzealously pursuing a story about a purse snatching on Park Street. Do you have any idea how annoying I would be about a story that features a serial killer AND a bunch of ghosts? I’d be like the driven Tom Brady of whiny and annoying reporters all up in there.