It’s crackers, man
Oh, this food shortage has hit a new low. My life went to pieces when chocolate graham crackers disappeared, but this? This is below the belt. Saltines have completely vanished from the shelves and this one really has me scratching my head and occasionally, the heads of others. I mean, saltines are the poor man’s snack. It’s what you turn to when you’re starving but there’s absolutely nothing else in the house to eat at 4 in the morning. You drag out the saltines that have been sitting in the cupboard since 1992, add a few slices of individually wrapped American cheese and you nosh on that while pretending it’s caviar and crème fraîche tartlets. Whatever those are.

Fangy the Snow Demon
Lots of good photos of snowmen out there lately. What wholesome fun! I was never very good at building them, myself. I’d always try to add bat wings, spiked tails or adult parts and then neighborhood parents wouldn’t let their kids play with me anymore.

Rippin’ mad
So, the other day I spent five of my hard earned cents on a paper bag at THE Hannaford after forgetting to bring my own. The thing stayed intact for the ride home but as soon as I stepped out of the car, the bottom let go and out tumbled all my grocery loot. The carton of creamer went this way, the jar of peanuts went that way, and I STILL don’t know where the fraîche tartlets ended up.

The top @!#[email protected]# of 2021
Now that the new year is here, we’ll be seeing a lot of top 10 lists of various things that went down in 2021. It’s all top 10 this, top 10 that and the top 10 of that other thing. Me, I’m going to produce a list of the top 10 vulgar adjectives I learned over the course of the year to describe the state of things. I have one that’s nine syllables long! To say it correctly, you have to vomit.

I have been to the top of the mountain
We’ve been pretty blessed with puny snow storms this winter so far, but I’ll tell you. The sidewalk plows can still take a measly two inches of snow and somehow sculpt it into a giant mountain of slush standing tall at the foot of your driveway. Had one so big after the last storm, I had to hire a Sherpa to take me over it. Got a nose bleed at the top, but the view was stunning!

None for me, thanks
OK, I got curious and looked up crème fraîche tartlets to see what they are. Dead fish on Ritz crackers, basically. I might eat one on a double dawg dare, but otherwise, nah.


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