Googly eyes
I’m so excited I could pee. Someone FINALLY got me a package of my own googly eyes and you can’t even imagine the havoc that will be wrought. Googly eyes, for the uninitiated, are simply stick-on peepers that can be used to desecrate family photos and the like in comical ways. That spooky photo of Gramma that hangs in your mother’s hallway? Give poor dead Grammy new life by plastering on some oversize googly eyes and wait for hilarity to ensue. Hilarity or possibly frantic sobbing, depending on your situation. PRO TIP: Don’t use these things on memorial photos at the funeral home because some people just have no sense of humor.

Just like mom used to make
God help me, I had a hankering for cheap, canned SpaghettiOs with sliced franks the other day, but do you think I could find it in any of the stores? Nossir. It’s gone everywhere, which only solidifies my long-held suspicion that there’s a phantom shopper who follows me around and buys up everything I want before I can get it in my basket? Remember the chocolate graham cracker fiasco from a few years ago? I’m just getting over that heartbreak and now this.*

Shoulda bought it
So, I made my first visit to Marden’s in a long while and wouldn’t you know it? I came across aaall kinds of stuff I wanted. A three-pack of puck lights that come with a remote control? Oh, yeah. I wanted that. A Vornado heater no bigger than a lunch box but which is said to heat entire rooms? Shove over, gramma, there’s only one left and it’s mine. There was the magnet-on-a-handle strong enough to pick up not just loose screws and bolts, but the tools themselves, and that sucker practically called my name aloud, it so wanted to come home with me. What are these, rain boots? For under 10 bucks? I already have rain boots but, man. Under 10 bucks! In the end, I skipped the doohickeys and gizmos that so captured my eye and bought nothing but lined leather gloves and a new metal shovel fit for scraping the kind of icy blech we’ve been getting this winter. Gloves and a shovel, yippee, what fun. From now on when I go to Marden’s, it has to be with the agreement that I can pick out one toy.

Rhyme time slime crime
By the way, is the line from the Marden’s theme song “I should have bought it when I saw it at Marden’s,” or “I should have bought it when I SOUGHT it?” Because one clearly rhymes while the other doesn’t, and I think you all know how adamant I am about not singing songs that sound like they rhyme but which really don’t. Do you hear me, Alanis Morrissette, Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young? Rhyme better, you hacks!

Frankly disheartening*
My friends, I have grim news. According to well-placed sources within the soup and canned food industry, Campbell’s is discontinuing the SpaghettiOs with sliced franks line. This jaw-dropping decision leaves us hungry folks with two choices: SpaghettiOs with meatballs (blech) or SpaghettiOs with no meat at all, which is just too ridiculous to even remark upon. The good news is that there is a petition afloat to stop this madness.

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