Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Thank you, kind lady
One afternoon last week, I got a lewd proposition while I was filling up at the gas station. I mean, really lewd. On the International Lewdness Scale, I’d say this one was about an 8. And the funny thing is, it wasn’t accompanied by a request for money or any of that noise. Quite flattering, really. Not sure why I got such a generous offer, but I have been doing something different with my hair so it’s probably that.

The wrong tree
The other day, a certain wife poked her head out the door and asked me: “Are you out in the driveway barking like a dog?” In fact I WAS barking like a dog, but in my defense, so was the dog who lives next door. Why should he get to bark while I’m expected to just stand there looking pretty? Anyway, I won’t tell you what the dog said. On the International Lewdness Scale: Dog Version, I’d say it was about a K-9.

I’ll tell you about it later, at the Dream Machine
The other day I went to return a phone call and was greeted with a busy signal. A busy signal! Like it’s 1982 all up in here. Whenever that happens, I picture some chatty teenage girl, laying on a couch with her feet up over the back, twirling the phone cord in a finger as she relates to her friend, Becky, about the horrible things she heard about Rhonda, the new girl in school. I mean, can you believe that Rhonda? You don’t even know, my friends. You don’t even know.

There’s a Zucker born every minute
Well, I’ve reached the big time. On Tuesday, Jan. 23, at exactly 5:20 p.m., Mark Zuckerberg sent me a friend request on Facebook. His name is misspelled in the request, but just you never mind all that. There’s a photo of Mark and everything so I know this appeal for friendship is the real deal. This is almost as exciting as the time I got a friend request from James Erle Jonez.

Motion to adjourn
The other night, I actually tuned in to watch a city council meeting. Me! A city council meeting! I watched and listened for about an hour before I began to feel unclean and then had to go roll around in the snow with the dog next door to feel better.

Men charged with robbing postal carrier
I mean, who does that kind of thing anymore? If the culprits had been riding horses and wearing bandanas over their faces, I might have suspected they were time travelers from the Old West. And if they WERE time travelers, who the heck travels to downtown Lewiston, Maine, in winter 2024? You better get your flux capacitors looked at bros.


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