Me and my Snuggie

Good news everybody! A federal court has ruled that the Snuggie is a blanket and not apparel as it was previously classified. I don’t know exactly what this means for you, the proud Snuggie owner, but I know I’m walking a little taller and prouder in my sleeved blanket this week. Of course, I say that only because I can no longer deny ever having worn a Snuggie — an alert reader and possible extortionist this week sent along an old photo of me wearing a leopard print Snuggie to a high school football game many years ago. And like that, a very dark chapter from my past (the high school kids were really mean to me that day) is brought back out into the light for all to see. If similar photos of me in my bright orange Crocs ever emerge, I’m finished in this town.

Quiet, you!

It has come to my attention that there is a coffee shop on Main Street in Lewiston that hosts a silent book club. That is, people go into the place with their books and Kindles and basically sit down and shut up. Naturally, I approve of this, being an avid supporter of the sit down and shut up lifestyle. Local bars should adopt a similar program wherein drinkers go in, sit down on their bar stools and DON’T talk about their problems. Same for restaurants, libraries, pool halls and movie theaters. Basically, no talking. By anyone. Like ever.

Pay up, losers

So, the weasels at Amazon are now introducing commercials to their Prime movies and television shows. To avoid the commercials, all you gotta do is pay an additional $3 per month on top of the $139 you already pay for your yearly subscription. Basically, these con artists lured us all away from cable television with promises of commercial-free programming and then once we were hooked: YOINK! They pulled the rug out and started hitting us with commercials again. I was so angry over this development, I started to dash off a STERNLY WORDED LETTER to the people behind this move. But then I got scared watching “Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum” and had to hide beneath my Snuggie for the rest of the night.

Better late than never

It has come to my attention (I actually read beyond the first line this time) that the official Snuggie court ruling took place in 2017. It didn’t count for the past seven years, though, because I hadn’t heard of it. That’s how the law works, you know. Look it up, why don’t you?

First come, first serve

After my sleeved-blanket debacle all those years ago, several readers asked me for that sexy leopard print Snuggie I so shamelessly paraded around in. If I recall, I gave it to the very first person who asked, so quit bugging me about it, why don’t you.

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