Back away from the dumplings, fool
On Feb. 2, apparently there were a bunch of chickens running amok on Goff Hill in Auburn. And not just any chickens. The fellow who reported the poultry parade described the rampaging birds as “like super chickens” running amok. I’m not saying you should worry, exactly, but don’t be surprised after stuffing your face at KFC if you find a group of muscle-bound Leghorns waiting for you in the parking lot. I don’t know what kind of beat down you can expect, but I imagine it will involve some form of plucking. Have fun with that!

Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift
I thought that since any and all talk about the Super Bowl seems to be punctuated by endless chatter, rumor and complaints about her Holiness Taylor Swift, that I’d be a grownup for once and spare you all from any mention of her in this column space. Pretty mature of me, ay wot? Then I thought, nah. If I can make just one guy angrily spit his whiskey-laced morning coffee back into his mug today, I’ll have achieved something great. Or at least mediocre, which is all I really strive for.

More Super Bowl predictions
Maybe this is the year that the NFL wises up and declares that “Super Bowl” should be one word after all. I’m sick of getting spell-checked on that. Also, it’s been a lot of years since we’ve seen a wardrobe malfunction at the big game, so watch for that happening. Funny commercials and somebody’s “accidentally exposed” fanny, that’s what you can expect.

Hee
I just really wanted to get the word “fanny” in the paper. Why did that go out of style, anyway?

Also
Did you know that the concept of the “wardrobe malfunction” has its own Wikipedia page? I ain’t lying, go look it up. Thank you Janet Jackson for this exciting cultural wonder.

Taylor Swift?
I feel pretty bad about all that stuff I said earlier about Taylor Swift, so let’s just forget I ever brought Taylor Swift up, OK? We’re all adults here. Enjoy your Super Bowl. God help you if you serve chicken fajitas.

Must-see TV
Like everybody else, I was pretty bummed out when the two seasons of “The Bear” were over, but then I remembered that we still have Lewiston City Council meetings. Honestly, the council has all the screeching drama of “The Bear” and even has a restaurant angle to make the symmetry complete. The Lewiston City Council ought to be on Netflix.

Sam’s in Lewiston to reopen as bakery
A bakery, is it? So they’ll be serving bread? I wonder, if I ask, will they serve my bread with tomato sauce, cheese and pepperoni on top? And make that bread round, please, and cut it into wedges when it comes out of the oven. While you’re at it, if you could stuff some ham, cheese, tomatoes and oil into this here roll, that’d be swell. Bakery, huh? Yeah, this will work out fine.

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