There’s a woman standing at the roadside next to a car with a pretty impressive dent in the front of it. She’s been in a crash, obviously, and she’s distraught about it — the hanging head, the quivering jaw, the eyes welling with tears. I empathize, of course — but it could have been worse. […]
Mark LaFlamme
Talk of the town: Don’t talk with your mouth full
Mother jumper Leaving the Dollar Store the other day (shut, I do NOT spend too much time there) I had the opportunity to witness a young boy leaping out from behind a shopping cart to scare his mother. That was funny enough, but his mother’s startled and angry reaction made me laugh so hard, I […]
Street Talk: Summer has one foot in the grave
I distinctly remember a day in early May. I oozed from my bed in the middle of the afternoon and found the world ablaze with sunlight. It was warm, birds were singing and the only remnant of winter was the glowing whiteness of my flesh. I went into the backyard to have an animated conversation […]
If this means anything to you, seek help
I know this has no bearing on you or your life. It’s just that I’ve been on vacation the past week and I have no idea what’s going on locally. Also, Mila Kunis has been asked to describe Ashton Kutcher’s manhood. If THIS has any bearing on you or your life, seek help. Pow! Got […]
Street Talk: The dreamscape of youth
On Saturday, I watched a couple groups of kids playing baseball at a mini-Fenway Park in Oakland. For two hours they battled, swatting so many hits and racking up so many runs no existing form of mathematics could possibly calculate the score. You’d need to employ tenth powers, degrees of polynomials and possibly gerunds to […]
Talk of the town: Pokemoaning with delight
New theory A woman was arrested last week and charged with running around naked, stealing a car and, later, shouting at random people while wearing a tank top but no pants. It happened in Lewiston, you know, but not THIS Lewiston. Apparently all the weirdness that used to happen here has migrated to Lewiston, Idaho. […]
Parting is such sweet sorrow — for me, not former co-workers
Sooner or later, we all get the letter. “My dear friends,” it begins. “Sadly and with enormous trepidation, I must announce after (impressive number here) years, I’m leaving the (your company name here) family.” A brief explanation follows, during which the letter writer will pretend he’s not gloating when — I mean, come on — […]
Towing the line at the local fireworks displays
Worth a thousand words In the aftermath of the Fourth of July celebrations this year, I saw more photos and videos of cars being hauled away by tow trucks than I did of the fireworks themselves. This is progress! Even the mundane act of car-towing is more interesting than long videos featuring fireworks I saw […]
Talk of the town: Don’t be such an asp
Presumpscot Python Among this Westbrook critter’s many talents, it’s able to generate filthy sounding headlines on media websites across the nation. Go ahead. Try to write a line about this serpent’s exploits that doesn’t sound like the work of a giggling seventh-grader. I dare you. Let’s make some noise I have this weird habit. When […]
Street Talk: The Mandela Effect is freaking me out
There’s a picture at my mother’s house in Waterville that I refuse to look at anymore. It’s a simple family photo: my brother and I, dressed in our spiffy Sunday suits, standing on either side of our father a year or two before he died. For many years, I could look upon that picture and […]