Home alone
So, I’m just back from vacation and looking around, it doesn’t look like I missed much. You know, just the standard summertime fare: A stabbing at McDonald’s, a stabbing in Kennedy Park, a massive manhunt in some place called Wilton, a fatal shark attack and a hurricane, for starters. And here I thought you kids were responsible enough to leave alone for a week. This will definitely be taken into consideration when it comes to your allowances.

Done and done
But at least you got all that COVID-19 business sorted. Right? Clearly all of that nastiness is over by now. Right??

And like that, it’s over
And by the way, who in blazes let it become August while I was away? August?! That’s practically September, which is almost October, so when you get right down to it, it’s pretty much winter already. It’s the same thing every year: You let the Fourth of July happen and the calendar suddenly feels bold enough to let the weeks whiz by in a blur and the next thing you know, you gotta put studded tires back on your car.

Which way to OOB?
I wish I could regale you with awe-inspiring highlights from an action-packed vacation, but the highlight of my week was scoring $10 parking at Old Orchard while everyone else was paying $25. How did I do it? I parked in Saco, pretty much, and walked to the beach.

Something wicked this way ain’t coming
You know what I’ve missed this summer? Carnivals. We usually have at least one in the spring, but stupid COVID chased it off like the dirty dog that it is. Walking around the carnival grounds, watching drunk people slobbering over candy apples, trying to win lame prizes by throwing balls at various objects, losing all their loose change and dental fillings on The Zipper and throwing up fried dough next to the Tilt-a-Whirl always makes me feel like I have my life together.

Fishing for junk
An Auburn man has been using magnets to fish in the Lewiston canals for whatever trinkets he can pull out of those dark and mysterious waters. Frankly, I’m surprised more people aren’t doing this. In fact, why don’t we have some kind of Lewiston Canal Fishing Derby with prizes for the most exotic, strange and disgusting items pulled out of the muck? Who needs a balloon festival when you have a chance to score some legit treasure from the canal, up to and including the downed spaceship we all know is in there.

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