Driving up Montello Street in Lewiston last weekend, I came across a group of guys sitting at the edge of a yard and holding a sign that read “You honk, we drink!” So happened that I drove by that block three times that day and honked each time. Now I’m starting to worry that I may have given those poor sots cirrhosis.

Cold snap
OK, weather people, what was THAT all about? On Wednesday, I had to shut all my windows and put on a coat every time I stepped outside. Temps dropped down to freezing. Heard rumors of snow flurries in Minot. Could hear my snow shovels giggling from the back of the garage. Wife was flipping out and putting blankets on her outdoor plants. The weird thing is that she used MY blankets. Guess I’m just supposed to wrap myself in a Snuggie and suck it up. I always suspected she likes her tomatoes better than me.

Lawmakers slam Auburn and side with Sheriff Eric Samson
Got no real comment on this one. I just like the headline. Bet Sheriff Samson likes it, too. And look! We didn’t put a P in the middle of his last name like we sometimes do. The sheriff is having a good day.

No Mow May
Why the hell am I just hearing about this? From what I understand, people are refraining from mowing their lawns so that dandelions can grow and bees can have orgies among them. Got to say I’m titillated by the concept, so you can count me in. Not that I was going to mow the lawn anyway. I don’t see any reason to keep the lawn trimmed when I can’t find anyone to play Wiffle ball, anyway.

My lawn doesn’t look anything like Fenway
I always get envious, and weirdly enraged, when I see people who mow their lawns in that cool, crisscross pattern that makes it look like they’re living on a baseball field. I’ve tried to do this many times, myself, but it always ends up looking like I live in a place where a drunk guy mows the lawn. Thinking about going back to school to get a degree in advanced mathematics or physics or something so I can make this happen.

No veggie zone
According to a well placed source (a nearly sober guy in the Hannaford parking lot), the following produce shortages are expected in 2023: Lettuce, avocados, broccoli, cauliflower and tomatoes. You see, Ma? THIS is why I never ate my vegetables as a kid. I knew a shortage was coming and I was preparing myself. How do you like me NOW, woman?

In the interest of full disclosure
I’m pretty sure my mother also likes tomatoes more than she likes me. I just can’t be expected to compete with an edible berry of the plant solanum lycopersicum that everybody thinks is a vegetable.

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