The force ain’t helping
Several of you — a freakish number, really — have sent me tips on ridding myself of the hideous flies that have invaded my kitchen. Suggestions range from fly strips to scalding water poured down drains to opening a window and politely asking the flies to depart the premises. I’ve tried it all, and yet here I am day after day still going after those little home invaders with a hand vac. Weirdly, I’ve come to enjoy this part of the battle. I swing the vac as though it were a Star Wars lightsaber and even make the proper lightsaber noises as I do it. It’s hard to spell those noises, but I believe it would be “wooaan…. wooaan, wooaan….” Please correct me if I’m doing it wrong.

Uh oh, it’s magic
So, I’ve discovered that I have magical powers. All I have to do to bring about thunder, lightening and diluvian rain is pick up my motorcycle keys. I swear this is true. Over the weekend, I must have summoned storms five times simply by grabbing those keys and planning to go for a ride. I imagine you’re pretty awed by these newfound powers of mine, but bear in mind I haven’t yet decided whether to use my powers for good or evil, so you’ll want to be nice to me going forward or I’ll absolutely wreck your barbecue.

Police seek man who took items from pot store dumpster
Man, when you’re dumpster diving at a weed store, it is definitely time to reevaluate your life. You may THINK you’re smoking discarded herb when in fact you just stuffed your bowl full of a rich mix of spoiled cabbage, kitty litter, coffee grounds with a cigarette butt snuffed out in them, fly-chewed bits of rotten pork and a kind of weird goo some dude plucked out of his belly button. Actually, report back on how that goes, would you, Sir Dumpster? You might be onto the next big thing.

Balloon fest!
You know? This summer has been just weird enough that I wouldn’t be surprised if the festival actually got good weather in spite of some really terrible odds. Give me a free ride in your dirigible, mister, or I won’t hesitate to pick up my motorcycle keys.

Strange days haven’t found us
So on Wednesday, desperate to fill this column space, I went for a ride downtown looking for something weird to report on. But I didn’t see anything weird, which in ITSELF is weird. So I think it counts.

THERE it is
Forgot to cruise by the skateboard park where I spotted a man whose pants were festooned by… But, dang it, now I’m out of space. Trust, me though. It was weird.

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